Pain
by Mrs. Twelvetrees
Summary: Neil goes through some difficult times trying to stop a fight between Rick and Vyvyan.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER 

All characters from the The Young Ones series belong to Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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**PAIN**

_(The kitchen; There is no one in sight, but a terrible moaning can be heard. NEIL enters from upstairs, yawning.)_

NEIL

Oh, well, I suppose I'll start cooking breakfast then… _(notices the moaning, looks puzzled)_ Oh wow, heavy, man. What's that sound coming from?

_(As NEIL starts opening the fridge and cupboards to find out what the source of the moaning is, RICK enters through the back door, moaning violently.)_

NEIL

Oh, Rick! Are you ill or something, man? What's wrong?

RICK

_(still moaning)_ Well, I was outside in the garden, trying to enjoy the splendour of the new morning, when Vyvyan suddenly opened his window and started throwing things at me!

_(VYVYAN enters through the hole in the ceiling.)_

VYVYAN

Well, you were making a lot of noise, weren't you?!

RICK

I was trying to put my nuanced feelings into a poem, Vyvyan! But I suppose someone as artistically mute as you wouldn't understand that!

VYVYAN

_(screaming) _You woke me up!

RICK

It wouldn't hurt if you tried to appreciate the beauty of daybreak for once, you know, Vyvyan!

VYVYAN

I know something that _would_ hurt! _(starts chasing RICK around the room)_

NEIL

Look, Rick, I don't want to bring you down or anything, right? But it's four o'clock in the afternoon, you know.

RICK

_(still running from VYVYAN)_ Is it? Oh, well, yes, I knew that. Lordy lordy, you mustn't take everything literally, Neil. Pfff! How I express myself is known as poetic license, you know.

VYVYAN

_(breaking the leg off the dining table on his way)_ What, you mean talking complete bollocks?!

RICK

_(stopping, angrily with his hands on his hips)_ I do not talk bollocks, Vyvyan!

VYVYAN

Okay, but what about now? _(hits RICK hard between the legs with the table leg)_

RICK

Aaaaaargh!

VYVYAN

Now, Neil, did that make any sense?

NEIL

No, that's bollocks, Rick.

RICK

_(looking down at his trousers)_ Yes, well, they _were_.

TABLE LEG

Well, I wasn't that impressed, actually.

_(MIKE enters from upstairs.)_

MIKE

What's all this screaming and shouting, guys?

NEIL

Yeah, Mike, it's all been very heavy, you know. Rick and Vyv are fighting again, and I can't take it because I am on this planet to love and be loved by everyone, and I want everyone to, like, love each other as well, you know?

VYVYAN

Pervy!

NEIL

Actually, Vyv, I'm not being pervy. I wasn't talking about sex, right? I mean people should be, like, nice to each other.

VYVYAN

Nice to each other?! Oh yeah, why don't you start fondling my bottom right now while you're at it!

RICK

_(moving towards VYVYAN)_ Stop being so stupid, Vyvyan!

VYVYAN

Don't touch me, you girly! _(punches RICK in the face)_

NEIL

_(panicking)_ Mike, man, you've got to help me, right, 'cause Rick and Vyv are getting out of control and I can't handle it, man.

MIKE

It's their problem, Neil. Let them solve it themselves. _(starts reading the paper)_

NEIL

Whoa, man, uncool…I've got a feeling something terrible is about to happen…

RICK

That's enough! You're always hurting me, Vyvyan! And you're always telling me I'm a girl!

VYVYAN

Yeah, that's right!_ (pause)_ Girl!

NEIL

Guys…

RICK

You've gone too far now! I'll show you some real pain! _(goes into the garden)_

_(NEIL looks worried, while Mike reads the paper and VYVYAN just stands around looking happy and perfectly unaware of the fact that RICK is returning from the garden with a rather large clay pot in his hands.)_

NEIL

Rick…

RICK

_(angrily, holding the pot over VYVYAN's head)_ Any last words, Vyvyan?

VYVYAN

Only one, actually.

RICK

_(distracted)_ Well, what is it?

VYVYAN

Girl!

RICK

Right, that's it! _(smashes the pot down on VYVYAN 's head; VYVYAN falls over)_ Hah! That'll teach you!

NEIL

Oh, no! Vyv, are you okay, man?

VYVYAN

_(getting up)_ I'm fine, Neil! You didn't think a stupid girl like Rick can do any real damage to me, did you?

RICK

Damn!_ (runs upstairs angrily)_

NEIL

Oh, wow, Vyvyan! You must be happy it didn't hurt so much, man.

VYVYAN

Is he gone?

NEIL

Yeah.

_(VYVYAN falls down again, cradling his head in his hands and whimpering.)_

NEIL

Whoa, Vyv, why are you crying, man?

VYVYAN

Because my head hurts, alright?!

NEIL

_(squatting down beside VYVYAN, who is still whining)_ Oh, wow, man…you see what happens when you're not nice to each other? You see, you have to, like, be considerate and not bash each other's brains in all the time, you know… Let me see that. _(reaches to remove VYVYAN's hand to see whether he is bleeding)_

VYVYAN

_(suddenly jumping up and kicking NEIL over so he hits the fridge)_ Get off me, you smelly hippie pervert!

NEIL

Alright, alright…but you see we've got to stop all this mindless violence, right?

VYVYAN

Yeah.

NEIL

Good.

VYVYAN

I only need to do one little thing.

NEIL

What's that?

VYVYAN

_(screaming)_ Cut Rick's head off! _(runs angrily upstairs; NEIL collapses against the fridge wearily)_

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_...to be continued._


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER 

All characters from the The Young Ones series belong to Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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_(Several hours later; Neil is in the kitchen, stirring his lentil soup and looking depressed. Mike enters.)_

MIKE

Hi, Neil. What's for supper?

NEIL

Lentil soup. As always. Mind you, I don't know why I even still bother to cook you supper, because no one cares if I spend the whole day in the kitchen…

MIKE

Neil, if you want to complain, do it when I'm not here, okay?

NEIL

Okay.

MIKE

Now, where are Rick and Vyv?

NEIL

I think they're upstairs. They've been chasing each other round the house all afternoon, trying to kill each other.

MIKE

_(sits down in a chair and grabs a newspaper)_ Ah, the usual thing, then.

NEIL

No, Mike, it's like…really heavy, you know. I think they might actually really hurt each other this time…

_(RICK comes running down the stairs with his hands covering his crotch and VYVYAN is chasing him with a chainsaw.)_

RICK

Get away from me!

VYVYAN

Look, why won't you let me cut it off? There's practically nothing there in the first place!

RICK

And how would you know? Ha!

VYVYAN

Because once, I accidentally walked into the bathroom while you were taking a shower! Ha!

RICK

Oh, "accidental," was it?!

VYVYAN

Yes, it was!

NEIL

But Rick…you never take a shower!

MIKE

No, I think I know when that was, Neil. It was about five years ago.

RICK

_(to VYVYAN)_ Ah, there you are, you see! You have no proof! It might have grown since then!

VYVYAN

What, the shower?

_(RICK looks puzzled. NEIL puts some bowls and the pot with the lentil soup on the table.)_

NEIL

Look guys, guys, supper's ready, okay? So let's just have some lentil soup and like, bury the hatchet, you know?

_They all sit down._

VYVYAN

_(enthusiastically)_ Hatchet?

MIKE

No hatchets while we're having our soup, Vyv.

RICK

_(childishly and pointing at VYVYAN)_ Ha, ha, ha!

_(VYVYAN reaches over across the table and slaps RICK's face. RICK tries to hit him back, but hits the hot pot of soup instead, which tips over into NEIL's lap.)_

NEIL

_(depressed)_ Oh, great, yeah. Thanks, Rick, that's just what I needed.

_(VYVYAN gets up from his chair. RICK gets up, grabs the empty soup pot and throws it at VYVYAN's head, but misses.)_

VYVYAN

Oh, so we're throwing things now, are we?!

_(VYVYAN grabs the couch and lifts it up over his head, then throws it at RICK. The couch lands on top of RICK, who is thrown onto his back, sprawled across the table, his legs and arms flailing about hysterically.)_

VYVYAN

Right. And now… _(grabs the chainsaw and turns it on)_

RICK

No, no!

VYVYAN

Yes, yes!

_The chainsaw suddenly stops roaring._

MIKE

Looks like you ran out of petrol, Vyv.

_(RICK gets up quickly, throwing the couch off of him and on top of NEIL's head, and stands opposite VYVYAN with his hands on his hips, looking annoyingly content. VYVYAN stares at him for a few seconds, and then knocks RICK over with the blade of the chainsaw.)_

VYVYAN

_(to MIKE)_ What do I need petrol for?

RICK

_(getting up)_ This is not over yet!

NEIL

_(dizzily)_ Come on, guys. What was this fight all about anyway?

VYVYAN

_(pointing at RICK)_ He woke me up!

RICK

_(pointing at VYVYAN)_ He said I was a girl!

VYVYAN

He hit me with a flower pot! _(pause)_ And you are a girl!

NEIL

Guys, you have to stop being all heavy about this, you know? I mean, I get hit all the time, and I got boiling lentils thrown into my lap, and a couch on my head, but I don't hit you back, do I?

VYV & RICK

No…

_RICK and VYVYAN look at each other, and then at NEIL._

NEIL

_(a bit frightened)_ Erm…guys?

_(VYVYAN grabs his chainsaw, RICK grabs a chair. The end credits start while VYVYAN and RICK chase NEIL around the living room, and MIKE reads his newspaper.)_

**THE END**


End file.
